Phone Tribes: Which Are You?

“The homescreen on the screen of an iPhone in a person's hand” by Saulo Mohana on Unsplash

Broken Screen Millennial

You dropped it on purpose because you misunderstood your insurance policy and thought you could get an upgrade. They refused to replace the handset and now you cut your finger every time you access your inbox.

That said, you’ve noticed how many of the younger members of the office also have broken screens. Maybe it’s on trend? Like with the jeans. They, the youth, wear ripped jeans.

Yes, you think, the broken screen makes it look as if you don’t care.

It’s just a shame that your thumb leaves bloodstains everywhere.

Inherited iPhone Grandmother

Don’t say your daughter never does anything for you. When she upgraded her iPhone 6S, she let you have it. It may not allow you to enter passwords with your eyes (that’s a thing, right?) but it does have Facetime.

Which would be a great way to chat with Susan, if she weren’t always so busy. For one thing, you’d love her to show you how to install Solitaire. You’d love to play that. Just like you used to back in the day on her college PC that she gave you for your seventieth birthday.

Android Math Boy

Oh my actual God, all those conformist idiots enslaved by Apple. It’s a cult, that’s what it is. There’s even a website called the Cult of Apple.

Just like all those popular kids at high school who wore designer clothes and, okay, they ended up with girlfriends and boyfriends and whatever, but you had exactly the same t-shirts, albeit without a red Polo horse, and for like a tenth of the price.

Do the math.

(You’ve always been great at math.)

Quirky Case And In Your Thirties

Just because you own a space grey iPhone 7S doesn’t mean that you don’t have character. The whole office love your comedy ties. Especially that one that says ‘Can’t help. Tied up at the moment.’

(Emily said during the 2014 Christmas party.)

The same is true of your phone. How often has the image of a kitten falling from a branch, accompanied by the phrase DON’T STOP BELIEVIN created some crazy lunchtime chat?

At least twice. At least twice.

Impoverished Owner Of An iPhone X

Life’s about making yourself happy. Some people have kids or fast cars. Yes, you’d like to get that tooth sorted. And it would be awesome not to have to rely on gaffer tape to stop the bedroom window (shared house) from falling out.

But … still … the iPhone X is a thing of beauty. Everyone says. It’s more a piece of art than a device with which to arrange internet dates.

And who doesn’t like art?

(Apart from Geoff, the date you took to the gallery.)

You just wish Apple would be less like Picasso in the way they keep banging new pieces out. It all adds up. And Dad’s bound to check his credit card bill one month soon.

Massive Phone Lad

There’s nothing Freudian about owning a massive phone. Nothing at all. You just enjoy using the screen to watch Game of Thrones on the commute to your city job. Nothing Freudian about that. Absolutely nothing. Zero. Nada.

Mind you, you’ve never met anyone with a larger phone than yours. Not once. You one had a scare on the 2011 to Orpington but that turned out to be an iPad Mini.

Massive, it is.

SMS-only, not a hipster btw

Phones are for contacting friends and family. Social media and the internet are ruining relationships IRL. And you never miss an opportunity to show your friends and family your SMS-only Nokia.

Even if means interrupting conversations. Because it’s important they know. About the danger of social media ruining relationships IRL.

And you may love craft beer and beards and fixed-gear bikes but that doesn’t make you a hipster, does it?

Even if it does, that still doesn’t alter the truth that social media and the internets are breaking relationships in IRL FFS.

Editorial note: I own a Samsung Galaxy 8 and I don’t even care.